when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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