6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
