Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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