So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
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Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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