Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
