I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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