You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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