I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
