do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
