She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
