the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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