this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
