I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why did my mother make you get naked?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
