I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
