Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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