There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
