I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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