Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
