Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
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That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
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My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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