I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
