Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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