I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
