I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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