I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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