Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
