It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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