I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
