She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
