Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
