i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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