If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
