Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
