Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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