Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
