I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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