Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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