if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
