Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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