I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
