There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
