M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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