I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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