Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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