So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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