I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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