i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
