Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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