god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
