i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
