don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
