That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
