He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
