My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
