I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
