Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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