dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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