i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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