Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
