He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you will always have a special place in my vag
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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