can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
