remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
