its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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